Fairytale

With you I can’t stay quiet, words flow out of my mouth. I don’t have to hide anything, I don’t have to put a wall up, with you I don’t have to suffocate, with you I don’t have to feel lost, sad or angry. With you, I’m free.

Growing up in a macho household I was taught that women were objects, that we couldn’t fall in love with these lovely creatures, that there were inferior to men. Growing older you begin to realize that love is the greatest emotion anyone can feel, it can build and destroy worlds, it can be volatile and destructive , or it can flourish into the most beautiful gardens. I never believed in fairy tales, but you make me a believer.

Tell me your stories, the most closet to your heart and the ones locked away in the darkest corner or your being. Show me your scars, let me feel them with you, and when you cry, let me cry with you for my existence at the moment is intertwined with yours, let me feel what you feel, let me feed off your pain, let my demons engulf it. If only I could rid you of your demons and take them in, help you free yourself. I don’t want to see you sad, I don’t want you to feel anxious, if I had the power to restore your fragile heart I would, even if it meant destroying myself, but I can’t , but how I wish I could…

“Shit happens” my motto to live by, when I lost my dad, when I fell to the addictive world of drugs, I always had this pre-notion that everything ends, whether it be pain or pleasure, sadness or happiness. Thing is you are slowly making me reinvent and mold my thoughts, I can live with the sad, I can live with the happy, just don’t pull yourself away from me, don’t let go. Don’t leave, stay long enough to see my destruction, stay long enough to be the last words on my lips, but please don’t leave.
I don’t want to be lost again…

 

“How can you describe something as beautiful as the sky?” She said

“You can’t, there are no words that can capture the beauty of it’s complicated simplistic existence, just like you.”

You are my sky.

 

 

” You know I’ve had my head tilted up to the stars for as long as I can remember. You know what surprised me the most? It wasn’t meeting them. It was meeting you.”

 

For so long we turn to poetry to help find the words that we can’t find ourselves, without knowing that we too can become poets. We just inspiration.

You have become my inspiration. Words flow like water, all I have to think about is those beautiful brown eyes.

–

Who am I?.

My biggest flaw is my biggest strength, and that is to be human. To be in touch with reality and so far out of it that it destroys me and rots me from the inside.

I tend to fall in love with people, their struggles and their everyday burdens. I’m there for people when they need me, I make them feel special because no human being should ever feel rejected, should ever feel worthless. We were put on this planet not for selfish reason but to act as a whole to partake into ones another lives, to help each other, to love each other!… Thing is, I’m the same monster I preach to these people to stay away from. I consume off their attention, I devour their appetite for attention and in return I give them memories whether good or bad. Who am I? I give and take , I take and give. I fall in love with eyes that reveal pain and suffering because I can relate to them. As a man who is constantly struggling to find inner peace I want to help people find their inner peace, or at least a part of it. I don’t know whether I’m doing more harm than good though, because when I see that they are doing much better I leave… And not the “I’ll see you later” leave but the “Goodbye, keep on fighting, I have done my job, and now I will become a beautiful memory of yours” leave.

Who am I?

For some reason I have this feeling that I won’t live till old age, and that I have to try to touch as many hearts as I can before I leave. This comes from the notion of me feeling alone and lonely, dark and cold, I don’t want to become another ghost or forgotten one… Oh god… I don’t want to be another name lost in the wind.

Who am I?

A savior?

An angel?

A demon?

A nobody?

Who am I? ….

Mel

Surprisingly I’m still awake at 3 in the morning. Have not been able to sleep. Profoundly wrapped up in my thoughts, thinking about you. I know you have told me to tone it down at times with my sweet talk but I cannot mask my feelings. I was on Pinterest the last two hours trying to find the perfect quote, to find a quote that would speak for me. Luckily I found one, I chose this quote because I just want to reiterate the fact that you very much well appreciated, for everything that you have done, and it’s things that you even you don’t realize. Most importantly, given me a reason to smile. Maybe I’m being too cheesy or maybe I’m not being “man” enough, but even I know clearly when to draw the distinct line between being a man and being emotionally literate. Is it weakness that I’m showing to you by trying to express my thoughts out to you? Or is it a strength? To be in a state of vulnerability that I’m in right now should not make you question whether or not I lack masculinity in my personality for like you said; I can be territorial and what’s mine is mine. Which is a biological trait that all male tend to have. I dislike the fact that I’m like this, so opened up to you because that just leaves me look like a sensible little bitch and like you said you want a challenge. And maybe that’s not me, for once someone has impressed me as much as you have already I would do anything remotely possible to make them happy.
Sorry if it makes no sense , I was just rambling.
Txt you when I wake up .

Butterfly

Dear Stephanie Ramirez aka Aritza,

First of all I would like to just write, Merry Christmas or Feliz Navidad! To you and your family, mostly to you though. In the short amount of time that I have known you, you have left a deep impression on me my Syandies. you have helped me in moments in which you had no obligation to do so, and for that you have my everlasting and deep gratitude, and most of importantly my hand of friendship. I just want you to know that you have helped me in dark times without you even realizing it, Since you have given me a great amount of trust I feel as if I owe you the courtesy of being honest and straightforward with you. This past year has been an extremely difficult year for me, for the simple fact that someone really special to me had left me, and i was having suicidal thoughts and tendencies ever since, falling myself deep into the world of depression, drugs, narcotics etc. Trying to fill in an empty gap that I believed could be filled by escaping reality, but once something so deep and hurtful happens to you, that wound can never truly heal and you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Trust me when I write this my majestic butterfly (butterfree), but you have been one of the few and part of the most important people(s) that I hold dear and close to my heart, for you have given me confidence in myself that I had lost, telling me to smile more often, and making me smile and laugh when I believed I couldn’t. I hope you have a very happy holidays and a Merry Christmas my dear beautiful friend, and if you ever need something please do not be afraid to ask me. I owe you you a big favor for the simple fact of what you have done for me and have done to me. so please do not hesitate in asking me, for I would be delighted in doing do. I wish I could’ve met you earlier or wish you lived in New York or I to live in Virginia, to take you out to eat or to have the great honor of meeting you in person. I hope 2016 brings you many achievements and happiness, because you truly deserve it. You deserve to be happy and deserve to be treated with respect and love. Please do not stop talking nor texting me because I would not want to lose you from my life. I look up to you and the hustle you do to be an independent woman. You have earned my true respect.

With so much love, sincerely,

Francisco Daniel Perez Don Cheeks

 

LOML

My eyes are so heavy, I’m so sleepy, so hungry, so tired, so lonely. Why am I here, why aren’t I happy. Why should god put me through such a test as this one. Karma really is getting back at me for all the shit that I have done to her. I hope she is okay, I hope that she is thinking of me.

Everyday pain

These past couple of months have been the hardest days of my life. It’s been a constant fight day and night with my inner demons, with my conscience, with my mind, haunted with such beautiful and painful memories. I miss her, I miss her soft small lips, her touches. I feel so alone and so terrified of what the future has in store for me. Why am I still living in this pain and suffering? Why can’t I just shrug this off? Why am I resorting to painkillers for relief? So many questions flood my mind every day. If only I had not pushed you away, I would still be in your arms, but this is the sad reality, the reality that I must accept. She is no longer here for me and her love is not mine anymore and as much as it hurts me, she has someone who is making her happy, if only I kept my word my forever being her’s and protecting her from everything. I hate myself…I hate myself! Now I have to live until this pain. Hopefully time does heal in my heart.

My final Goodbye to the Love of my Life

Dear Lesley,
Times in which I wish I held on to the moments much longer, always wishing them to last forever, but sadly… every day came to an end, and one could only live in the moment. As I will not disclose details about special moments we shared because there are far too many to count and doing so would only further prevent our healing.
It’s not what these songs mean to me but better yet, what they represent. Representing the best of days, reminding me to cherish and hold on to memories like the ones we experienced.
“Mad” in the sense that I am well aware of the difficult situation I was putting you through, and what I had put you through. I let my emotions get the best of me while throwing my reasoning out the window. In other words, I hold no grudge nor hard feelings against you. I respect your plight of happiness and from the bottom of my heart I wish you the best in all of your endeavors. While my emotions are begging to be heard in person , for my outcries to be heard by you, my mind knows it’s not wise. Therefore through this letter I lift all my burdens off, fighting off my insecurities. Giving my self the chance and opportunity for closure. To follow the path of happiness, even though I know things won’t ever be like they were before. I want you to know that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me, and fear not! For the times we spent together and the moment full of smiles, giggles, and tears will never ever be forgotten. You will always have a big space in my heart :). May the divine creator keep you in watch and may he protect you from all evil. I love you, and through future encounters with possible candidates to the throne, you will always own the crown. For no one can ever take your place. I want to be at peace with myself and with you. I extend my hand of friendship even though it may never be physical, if you ever need financial help or are in dire need of emotional support you could always count on me to aid you. From one human being to another, take extra care of yourself and don’t be afraid to take leaps of faith, or wander off into the land of promising adventures.
:), be goodie now.
Sincerely yours,
Francisco Perez

Impotent

Today I had the great privilege of seeing you once again, with my heart beating furiously, and my thoughts swimming around, trying to come up with perfect conversation starters so that I could be less of a bore. I sat there for twenty minutes waiting for your class to end so I could once again bask in your beautiful presence. Oh the anguish, and nervousness of those twenty minutes felt more like an hour. Counting every second until that hour, and minute hand touched 3:50. Then there you were at the corner of my eye walking towards me, and as usually I put on a mask hiding my true emotion of happiness and excitement to see you. We sat down and you told me that you were experiencing problems, that you felt uneasy and had a lack of motivation with how the semester was moving forwards, how you probably failed your exam because you hadn’t studied beforehand, and as you were telling me this your eyes were beginning to look watery, and you were on the verge of having a breakdown. I just stared at you with a blank expression, confused and feeling impotent because i had no words to make you feel better nor safe, and all I gave you was the dumb response of “it will pass, things will get better”, how foolish must I have sounded, how insensitive my response was.

In that moment I felt powerless, I wish there was a way in which I could make you feel better, but there wasn’t any way, and honestly this isn’t the first time I felt like this, incapable of relieving you of your stress, problems and pains. I honestly hate the fact that you tell me that I don’t deserve your burdens, that you don’t want me worried about you, and I would want you to know that I want to be there for you, that you should let me be there for you. I would try anything and everything remotely possible just to see you happy even if it’s for a moment. I’m pretty sure you are well aware of that now, and I’ll always give you my great and undivided attention, because a woman so sensitive, beautiful, and intelligent as you should never face obstacles alone.

I believe in you, and i believe that you were destined for great things, even if you are at a roadblock in this moment of your life you can and will conquer that which you so greatly seek. I hope my words provide you with some sort of comfort since I can’t be there with you in this particular moment to tell you all of this in person.

If you ever need a helping hand of any sort please do not hesitate on requesting my assistance. For I would move mountains just to see you smile.

Roseanne

Roseanne such a sweet delicate fragile flower. Where have you gone? The woman whom when I first met, would lay her head on my shoulder, who late at night went to Dunkin’ Donuts to sit down and drink some coffee with me. The woman who walked with me late at night through central park and held my hand, and under the pouring rain, made the daring first move. After that night nothing was ever the same, I was never the same, with just a kiss you had me, that exact moment you made me yours. Then everything went downhill, you messaged me one night and told me that you couldn’t text me anymore because you didn’t want any problems. I was confused and hurt, you never did hear my voice cracking up over the phone,you never did see the tears running down my face. Then you hung up, and I was left there…hurt, and rejected. Not knowing what do, with my palms sweaty, and my blood boiling I yelled at the top of my lungs, why? why would you do this to me? If you knew I would do everything and anything for you. As i put my head down, as if I were a dog with his head between his legs I ran home, I ran seventy blocks in the winter cold hoping that I could find some relief in that, but it did nothing for my damaged self.

After this incident, we stopped talking for a good month, and in that month being lost and lonely, aching for you, I found someone. We talked, we hanged out, and everything seemed to click. There was only one problem though. You were still in the picture, I still could not forget you, even though we were never together, you were always on my mind. You were in every corner that I turned, even when I closed my eyes you were still there. Then you messaged me, telling me you missed me, and that you wanted to see me, you do not understand how happy I was from reading this, how I was cheesing from ear to ear, just by a simple text. I decided to drop that person, to chase you once again. A dog is always loyal to his master, and I truly believe that you mastered my heart, you took control of me once again.

I would go to class 3 hours early, buy you food, not to get something out of you, but to let you know that I cared whether or not you ate, whether you were hungry or thirsty, that I was always there for you whenever I was able to. I did this for 2 days out of the week, and in return I would get 20-30 mins of your time before you had to go home and tend to your child, and i conformed myself to this, because at least I was able to spend time with you. You would always tell me that I was weird because I was always staring at you, but you never understood what was going on in my mind, how happy I was every time to see you. How beautiful, and perfect you looked, with your big sparkling eyes that would emit a radiant feeling that only I was able to feel.

Then yesterday I did the same mistake as I did in the past. I poured my heart out to you, I practically laid it out on the table for you too feed off. I sent you this beautifully long message which I wrote from the bottom of my heart;

“Her eyes drive me crazy, burning with passion. When I look at them it’s almost as if time were to inexplicably stop. The sad reality is that with just a look at her, I lose myself, I lose touch with my emotions, cause at that moment, whether it is for a second or for a fraction of a second, she dominates every action and feeling that were once mine, and if only she knew how much I truly cared for her, or thought about her, if only my eyes could speak for themselves.”

In response all I got from you was a basic 6 worded sentence, and you never referred to it again. In that moment i realized that you never did feel the same way towards me as I felt for you, and that shattered everything i held on to, I was now broken into a million pieces all longing for your attention, but my eyes were wide open to the truth, the truth that I had blindly put off, because I was just too deeply infatuated with you to realize anything. I knew that I could never be yours, nor you be mine. I came to the conclusion that maybe it was best for us to part ways, forever, because if you are still in my life, I would always go to you, seeking approval but in return get the same cycle of rejection all over again. I don’t know what I feel for you, is it obsession? Is it love? I’m a fool for you, and I will be for a very long time, I can honestly say that I will be comparing every woman that I ever meet in the future to you.

If you ever stumble across this, I just want you to know that you are wonderfully amazing. You truly unlocked the romantic side of me, the side who did not want anything but to love and be loved, to feel accepted. I respect you as a woman, and most importantly as a person, and I want you to be happy, cause if you truly care for someone you would not wish them anything except the best. I wish you the best beautiful. You will always be perfect in my eyes. If only you could have realized how much i cared for you, That you were making plans to hang out with everyone but me, you kept me in the shadows, and I was always there left alone and cold but always with a smile on my face.

Into My Eyes: The Lion & the Puppy

Philip Craddock Writing Portfolio

Do not be concerned if you stare into my eyes
and see a faint flicker of danger someday.
It’s rage will never be used on you
and is kept well guarded, locked away.
So safely run your hands through my mane,
and you can lie snug by lion’s side.
For the rage though raw is only reserved
for those who harm the lion’s pride.
Woe betide the one who hurts the lioness,
who turns their wrath on you.
For along with soft smile there’s the teeth,
still sharp and ready to chew.

Do not be surprised if you look into my eyes someday
and see love and loyalty overflow.
For I may well be the lion
but I’m part puppy too you know.
I’ll be so happy to see you,
be so playful and rarely moan
and oh, I’ll be so grateful
should you throw this puppy a bone.

I…

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